hiya.

not keeping up with my journal at all, am i? well, what did you expect? my past behavior any measure, you should have known better. but here i am now. so ... nyah.

past few weeks have been pretty good, despite the soaking we've endured. record-breaking rain is not as fun nor as exciting as it might sound. it's just wet. but i kept my head above water, both figuratively and literally, and managed to have a pretty good time of it even so.

work is the figurative drowning. too much, none of it all the interesting. i've been doing what we call "expert reviews" for what seems like ages. it's just a luck of the draw that i should have so many in a row -- no scent of pigeonholing here. but i'm craving a real design project, something where instead of telling a client what's wrong with their software, i actually get to show them how to fix it. my boss knows i'd like a meaty design project and my boss is a good boss. so hopefully this will all be a distant complaint in the near-ish future and i'll have all sorts of other things to complain about.

part of the problem is that much of this work is with Dell. i did such a good job with the overall Dell.com review (presented to Michael Dell himself, ahem) that i "own" all the Dell projects now, of which there are many. last week i kicked off five different projects. spent nearly the entire week in Austin. let this be a lesson to you, kids -- doing a good job is oftentimes rewarded with a pat on the back and a pile of more work.

i don't mind being responsible for all the work there, i just wish it were a little more diverse. there's only so many different ways i can say "your site sucks ass" before i start to sound repetitive. in my findings presentation, i tend to sneak in a "conceptual design" or two, just to release a little pressure on the design value, but it's only a short-term fix.

of course, work is only a smidgen of my being. there's the other stuff. the important stuff. there's Corinne. ah, lovely Corinne. she's good. i adore her. simple as that. things have been so warm and fuzzy between us. we had a huge fight about a month ago that was so bad she left for a few days. we don't have fights like that. it was eye opening. and then we talked, and got out all of the things we (mostly she) needed to say, and i realized i was taking everything i had with her, and her in general, for granted. not good.

so i woke up and i rubbed my metaphorical eyes and i saw what i had in my metaphorical hands and it was pretty awesome. realizing what i had was great for me and amazing for our relationship. i'm letting myself be in love with her, fully. i'm letting myself be able to think about marriage. i'm not staring at girls that walk by on the street and thinking what i'll be "giving up", as if i could sleep with any two-legged creature that came within arm's reach. i'm being an adult.

mostly.

i still have my freak out days. this is scary shit. it ain't like in the movies. you don't know when you've found someone to spend your life with -- you make an educated guess. you don't follow your head or your heart, you just jump when ... well, when there's nothing else to do.

the whole idea is not romantic. which is probably okay. i love romance and consider it to be a decent part of my relationship with Corinne. but a marriage is so much more than flowers and candy and really great kisses. there's some work involved. or so i've heard. it's an uneasily negotiated promise to be there despite everything. it's a life-job which oftentimes has the benefits of love, sex, offspring, and increased buying power but also involves hard-driving change, unexpected events, messy situations (and living spaces), and all sorts of things that are anything but romantic. the word "commitment" just doesn't do that justice.

of course, i speak from no place of experience. but i am awfully surprised at how difficult it is to buy the ring and make the choice. not because of the girl but because this is nothing like what pop culture prepared me for. or because i'm a guy and guys are big dumb chickens. whatever the case, i feel extremely vulnerable and unsure of myself but the iron filings in my nose seem to be pointing north. i'll get there soon, i think.

anyways, i'm a bit introspective and expressive today because yesterday i turned 32. it wasn't much of anything, as birthdays usually pass relatively quietly with me, but it was plenty. the best present i got was a surprise dinner with lots of close friends on Friday. i was completely surprised and so very touched. it was the most endearing thing anyone has done for me in a long time. i loved it. we drank five bottles of wine between seven people and closed the joint down. good times.

so, yes, i'm a day older and they added another number to my years. and as you can see, i've opened my eyes to find sunshine and a brave new world. it's complicated and hard but the rewards seem to be pretty damn good. so i'll stick around. hope you do, too.